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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27992055">i am still painting flowers for you (love you to death)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawwwrp/pseuds/yawwwrp'>yawwwrp</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Or Is It?, Unrequited Love, changbin is a flower boy - kinda, felix is an artist, for the purpose of this story they're in america, i swear it's not all sad!!, jeongin is not in this bc i cant write smth sad with jeongin in it, or is it????</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:20:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,238</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27992055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawwwrp/pseuds/yawwwrp</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Changbin and Felix spend their last summer together before Felix moves away in the fall - or: Felix has feelings, Changbin has game and they both have bad timing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin, past hyunjin/changbin - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i am still painting flowers for you (love you to death)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hoooooo boy, i'm back it again at krispy kreme~</p><p>this was originally supposed to be a fluffy friends to lovers fic but i just couldn't get it to work until i played Love You To Death on loop for five hours and turned it into a Sad Story.</p><p>i don't have much to say about this honestly, i got emo as i wrote it. my bs is as usual not beta read - pls be gentle, i've never written changlix :(</p><p>title comes from Painting Flowers by All Time Low and Love You to Death by Taeyang</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Binnie, wait for me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin looked over his shoulder to see Felix running after him full speed and jumping onto the back carrier of his bicycle, almost making them fall. Some things never change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you wait for me?”, Felix asked, hands wrapping around Changbin’s waist so he wouldn’t fall off the bike, Changbin pedalling a bit harder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know we’d finish at the same time.” He slowed down at the crosswalk. “I gotta go to my Aunts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix faked annoyance for a moment then chuckled as the traffic light turned green. “Onwards!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix and Changbin had been friends since they were ten, when Changbin had been spending most afternoons with his Aunt at her flower shop and Felix was there with his Mom who bought a bouquet. Changbin had gotten angry that she only bought flowers for herself and none for Felix and had picked one out to give to him. Felix had come back the next day by himself with a handful of daisies from his backyard as a thank you. Ever since then, they had been inseparable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They eventually enrolled at the same university, stuck together through college parties, Changbin’s first failed relationship, Felix’ pet turtle dying and on this sunny early summer day they had written their final exam. No more studying, no more getting up early - at least for the next three months.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin had been working part time at his Aunt’s shop for the past years and was still working there through the summer, while Felix was getting ready to leave their town in the fall to move to the big city, putting his art degree to good use working with an art gallery.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here!” Changbin entered the flower shop with Felix in tow just as Changbin’s Aunt got ready to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh good.” She grabbed her purse and gave Felix a warm smile. “Good to see you, Felix! How was your last exam?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix smiled brightly at her and sat down in the lounge chair behind the counter, pulling out a sketchbook and some pencils. “Really good, thank you for asking! Have a lovely afternoon!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too, Felix”, Changbin’s Aunt waved at him and left the store.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does she even realize that it’s me who’s her nephew and not you?” Changbin rolled his eyes and got ready to water the plants in the back of the store as Felix started drawing. “Are you still drawing flowers?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded, focused on his drawing. “When I’m here with you, yeah.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the afternoon was uneventful. Not a lot of people stopped by the store so Changbin and Felix spent their time chatting about their exams and plans for the summer while Felix was drawing and Changbin repotting some plants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Changbin closed up the shop, Felix nudged him in the ribs. “Should we go to the beach? There’s the end of semester party tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin thought about it for a moment until Felix wouldn’t stop elbowing him with a grin. “Alright, you convinced me. Pick me up at home?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix let out a triumphant yell, the lady walking her dog next to them almost tripping in shock. He apologized to her quickly before taking off in the direction of his house. “See you later!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin rode his bike home and wondered if there had ever been a time when he had said No to Felix.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix hadn’t gone to a party in a while, being too preoccupied with studying for his finals, so he was looking forward to the beach party. The anxiety of leaving his hometown, his family, his friends, Changbin, was firmly on his mind and he let out a sigh as he entered the house. Changbin and him had made a promise to not speak of it until the day he had to leave and just enjoy the summer but he couldn’t help but feel torn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He threw his bag on the bed and rummaged through his closet for some clothes to wear later before falling backwards onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling for a while.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun was just setting when Felix rang the Seo’s doorbell and Changbin’s Mom opened the door for him. He quickly ran up the stairs to Changbin’s room but his face fell when he saw Changbin still sitting around in just his underwear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Binnie, why are you not ready yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin sighed as his friend entered the room and closed the door behind him. “Do you think he’s gonna be there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sat down on Changbin’s bed next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. “So what? Even if he is, we will just have a great time by ourselves. I’ll be there with you, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin hesitated for a moment but then he got up and finally got dressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was fully dressed, he finally flashed Felix a smile. “Alright, let’s go then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The party was already in full swing once they got there, high schoolers and college students alike dancing and drinking to the music the beach club DJ put on. On their way to the party, Changbin had decided that they would just have fun today. And if he ran into his ex, they would just ignore him and make the night their own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately for Changbin, that’s not how fate would have it. The first person they ran into at the bar was exactly said ex, holding hand with a guy Changbin had seen around school before. Changbin nudged Felix who quickly switched his spot at the bar with Changbin’s, placing himself between Changbin and his ex boyfriend. Said ex boyfriend had in the meantime realized who was standing next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Felix”, he turned to Felix. “Where’s your better half?” The words had a sour aftertaste. He looked over Felix’ shoulder trying to catch Changbin’s eye. “Hi, Changbin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin slowly turned his head to muster up a slight smile. “Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyunjin, do you care to introduce us?”, the guy next to his ex spoke up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. Seungmin, this is Felix. And this-”, he pointed at Changbin, “is Changbin. We used to date.” Felix hated the way he mentioned it offhandedly. “Felix, Changbin, this is Seungmin, my new boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin stuck out his hand to introduce himself and it took Felix and Changbin a moment to react and reluctantly shake hands with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna look for a spot, meet you there?” Seungmin pressed a kiss on Hyunjin’s cheek and walked off into the direction of the ocean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who are you here with?”, Hyunjin asked. It was a genuine, friendly question but Changbin couldn’t stand it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you asking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin shrugged his shoulders. “Just trying to make friendly conversation.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The barkeeper handed him his drinks and he left them with a goodbye, Changbin’s shoulders immediately relaxing once he saw Hyunjin walking off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Felix looked at him with a worried face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nodded and turned to the barkeeper. “We’ll take two beers and six shots.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was close to two in the morning when Changbin had left Felix alone on the makeshift dance floor and ten minutes later, Felix sat down next to him in the sand, watching the waves glitter from the moonlight. They were far away from the party to be alone, the sound of music still faintly echoing through the summer night air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix heard Changbin choke out a sob and leaned closer to him. Changbin instinctively rested his head on Felix's shoulder, wiping the back of his hand over his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We used to date, that’s what he said. He didn’t even say boyfriend.” Changbin’s voice was slurred from the alcohol and tear-stricken and it broke Felix’s heart to hear him like that, giving him flashbacks to the day Changbin and Hyunjin broke up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin and Hyunjin got together right before Senior year and had stayed together for most of it, up until two months ago. If you asked Felix, they weren’t a great couple. Changbin had seemed so different then, trying to impress Hyunjin that Felix thought his friend had turned into a stranger. It had been his first real relationship and Felix went through it with him. Felix was there when Changbin told him about their first kiss, about the first time they had sex, the first time they fought and when Hyunjin broke up with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said that we just don’t go together.” Changbin had cried a lot that day and wouldn’t leave his bed until his hunger eventually made him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix thought that Changbin handled everything pretty well after that and had gotten over Hyunjin fairly quickly, but seeing Changbin sob next to him now, he knew that wasn’t the case. Changbin was still hurting. And of course Felix was still here for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once Changbin had calmed down a bit was when Felix realized the extent of Changbin’s drunkenness. Changbin was hugging him tightly and slurred nonsense into the collar of his shirt, sometimes interrupted by a sniff and clearing his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix let him, until Changbin pulled away a bit, grabbed Felix’s face in his hands and forced him to look at him. He was dishevelled and his eyes looked wild.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are my best friend and I love you.” Felix had heard him say this many times before. And it still hurt every time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin waited for Felix to respond, but when it took too long for him to say something, he leaned forward and pressed a harsh kiss on Felix’s lips. The kiss was desperate and for a moment, the alcohol in his blood and the salty ocean wind made Felix give in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin swiped his tongue across Felix’s bottom lip and into the other’s mouth, a low sound escaping his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix finally snapped back to reality and softly pushed Changbin away from him. “Binnie-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin stared at him. “Oh my god! Sorry, Felix. I think I’m a bit drun-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin couldn’t finish his sentence before he bent over to the other side and threw up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix dragged Changbin home to his house after that, carefully helping him up the stars, trying not to wake Changbin’s parents. He left shortly after and walked home, his heart a little bit heavier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin woke up the next day at four in the afternoon with a throbbing headache and a queasy stomach from the hangover. He made a mental note to never ever drink again ever before remembering what went down last night. He remembered Hyunjin, remembered dancing, then- oh no. He kissed Felix. He couldn’t remember what happened after that, but everything that happened up to that point made his brain hurt, so he just went back to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix got up around noon, glancing at the picture of him and Changbin, arm in arm, smiling from ear to ear, when they were thirteen at their first summer camp together. He let out a deep sigh and got out his sketchbook. He spent the rest of the day drawing, forcing himself to focus on anything other than last night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Felix still hadn’t heard from Changbin on Sunday, he sent him a text message.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Lix: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>hey u alive?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>barely. feel terrible.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>sorry abt friday night, was wasted :(</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Lix: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>wanna go on a drive later?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is how Felix found himself in his mom’s car in Changbin’s driveway at eight at night, watching Changbin rush to the car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t even begin to tell you how glad I am we’re going for a drive.” He buckled his seatbelt and grinned at Felix. Felix’s mood went up a bit - Changbin seemed okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drove through town for a bit, windows down to let the summer breeze in, music turned up. After a while, Felix took the dirt road out of town up to the hilltop overlooking the city and parked there. They got out of the car and lied down on the engine hood, backs against the windshield, gazing up at the stars above them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had just been talking about random stuff going through their heads on the way there, but now, in the quiet of the night, so far away from the little town below them, their mood turned somber.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate that you’re leaving”, Changbin admitted in a quiet voice. “I mean I get it, it’s a great chance for you. But I hate it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix hummed, grabbing Changbin’s hand and interlacing their fingers. “Me too.” He let the words hang in the air. “You can always come with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin snorted. “What would I do? I have no idea what to do with my life, I don’t have a great passion like you. I will just stay here for a while, work at my aunt’s. Whatever happens.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was quiet again, the only sounds surrounding them were the cicadas and a car honking in the far distance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry about Friday, by the way.” Felix froze. Changbin squeezed his hand and Felix could feel his eyes on him. “Sorry about freaking out and kissing you, I was really wasted. It was a mistake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix just nodded. A mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They left one they started to get too cold in their t-shirts and shorts and made the drive back stopping by a diner for ice cream. When Felix dropped Changbin off, he patted Felix’s cheek with a smile. “Thanks for the distraction, Lix. You’re the best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix watched Changbin disappear into his house with a wave to Felix over his shoulder and drove home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin felt a little lighter on his heels come next morning. He opened his aunt’s shop at nine, who had taken two weeks off, asking Changbin to work full time, and started taking care of the plants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Around eleven, Felix stopped by, plopping down on his usual chair and taking out his sketchbook. As usual, Changbin worked and Felix was drawing, easy conversation flowing through the sunlit shop and time passed quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At three, Changbin started getting grumpy. “Stupid ivy…” He swatted the hanging plant with his arm out of his way, almost getting hit in the head when it swung back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix looked up from his sketchbook. “Time for a coffee run, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then, a lady entered the shop. Changbin flashed Felix an apologetic look and Felix put down his drawing utensils. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Felix reached the coffeeshop, he saw an unfamiliar face behind the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The coffeeshop was almost empty, most people were probably at the beach by now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi there! What can I get you?” The guy smiled brightly at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix ordered coffees for himself and Changbin and as the guy prepared them, he looked up at Felix every now and then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Handing Felix the two to-go-cups, he smiled again. “My name’s Chan, by the way.” He pointed at his name tag. “These are on the house.” He gave Felix a wink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix protested but Chan remained stubborn. “I’m not gonna make a cute guy pay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The way he said it made Felix feel embarrassed but the guy’s happy face made him smile gratefully and thank him for the coffee before leaving the coffee shop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He drank his coffee on the way back to the store and was about to throw the cup away when he saw a number scrawled on the side of the cup.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Text me ;D</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin had just finished tying up a bouquet for an elderly man when Felix put down his coffee next to him. He went back to drawing, only stopping when the man left the store and Changbin started talking to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything interesting happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix thought for a moment about telling Changbin but ultimately decided against it. “Nope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin narrowed his eyes at him, setting the watering can down on the floor. “Nope? That’s it? Where’s the town gossip, didn’t you at least see Mrs. Kim yell at another kid from her balcony?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix shook his head and focused back on drawing the lily next to Changbin’s head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin huffed. “Something happened.” He widened his eyes. “What happened? You’re usually so talkative, what happened?” He dragged out the last word in excitement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix rolled his eyes at him but laughed. “Nothing happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin still didn’t believe him. He was standing in front of Felix now, arms crossed in front of his chest. “Since when are you keeping secrets from me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If only you knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Felix thought, his laughter dying in his throat at Changbin’s question. “I’m not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s fake out turned into genuine upset. “Is this what we do now, not tell each other things?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix didn’t know if it was fear, anxiety or whatever else but something in him snapped. “Why do I need to tell you absolutely everything?” He wished he could take the words back as soon as they had left his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s face morphed into a blank expression, hurt and anger in his eyes. “Wow. Tell me how you really feel.” It wasn’t just a sentence, Changbin was challenging him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The frustration in him made Felix reply against his will, “Maybe there’s things I’d rather keep to myself, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin swallowed then nodded his head. “If you’re not here to buy a fucking flower, get out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix felt a tear run down his cheek as soon as he had closed his bedroom door behind him. Changbin and him hadn’t had a real fight in about three years, back when Changbin had decided to dye Felix’s hair himself and Felix ended up with completely fried orange hair for three days until he had gotten an appointment at the hairdresser.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was different though. He didn’t really understand it himself why he didn’t just tell Changbin about Chan From The Coffeeshop. He was exhausted. Exhausted from hiding for almost ten years, exhausted from knowing Changbin would never be more than a friend to him, exhausted from being exhausted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After drowning himself in his self pity for a while, he grabbed his phone. No text from Changbin. He opened his contacts and his finger hovered over Changbin’s name for a moment before he scrolled to Chan’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hey, it’s Felix ‘Two Large Americanos’ from earlier - would you like to meet up for a coffee this weekend?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Changbin closed up the store at six, he was still confused and angry. What the hell happened on Felix’s coffee run that he couldn’t tell him? They had always shared everything with each other. He was still racking his brain about it when he got home and took a shower and eventually called Jisung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was early in the afternoon for him so he was a tad too energetic for Changbin’s mood until he realized that the fight Changbin and Felix had had was more serious than he initially thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung was Felix and Changbin’s mutual friend. They had gone to the same high school for the and graduated together, until Jisung’s family moved overseas the next year, leaving him to go to colle in a new world. They still kept in contact though, and since Changbin couldn’t really complain to Felix about their fight, he had called him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After catching up on recent events, Changbin had told him about the beach party, about their night drive, about the fight in the shop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung was silent on the other hand and Changbin almost thought that their connection had broken up when Jisung finally answered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just ask him again, but maybe a bit less pushy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin was about to protest that he wasn’t being pushy but Jisung cut him off before he could get a word out. “You know you can be a bit hot headed sometimes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The longest Felix and Changbin had ever gone without speaking to each other was three days, two hours, fifteen minutes and forty-eight seconds. They hadn’t seen each other in that time and when they did finally run into each other, they had forgotten why they had fought in the first place and just went back to being best friends as usual.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix thought back on that time as he got ready for his date with Chan on Friday. He hadn’t spoken or seen Changbin since Monday and it took everything in him to not text him, but he felt like he shouldn’t give in this time. Changbin hadn’t texted him either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He met up with Chan at a new coffee shop that had just opened in town.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If anyone asks, I was never here.”, Chan grinned as they sat down. “Can’t get fired because I’m sipping coffee from the competition.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix laughed and was surprised how easy it was to talk with Chan. They had similar interests and Chan had a great sense of humor. As it turned out, Chan was only in town to work and save up some money before going to the big city in the fall as well to start working at a music school.  He felt guilt welling up in him when they left the coffee shop to take a walk through town, having pushed Changbin completely out of his mind for a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin was pretty sure he killed more plants in one week than he ever had in his entire life. He just prayed to all gods available that his aunt wouldn’t notice, though he was sure he was going to get an earful once she came back from vacation. Between complaining to Jisung every other night and taking care of the store, he mostly just went on runs along the beach to clear his head and tried his best to avoid thinking of Felix. Why wasn’t he texting him? Felix was never angry for long. He thought about texting Felix a few times, typing out and almost sending him a message on several occasions but deleted them every time. What if Felix was really angry at him and Changbin texting him would just make him even madder?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he left the shop on Friday evening, he decided to head home and change for another run at the beach, definitely not worrying about Felix.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would love to see your art sometime!” Chan had seemed enthusiastic about Felix’s confession that he wanted to be an artist as they took a walk along the beach. Felix pushed the thought of how romantic the scene was, complete with sunset over the ocean, to the back of his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan looked bashfully at their feet in the sand as they walked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you mind if I hold your hand?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The question surprised Felix. Chan seemed to him like a very confident, outgoing person. The shyness in his voice was something he didn’t expect.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun setting over the ocean, the smell of the sea, it all felt like a new beginning for Felix. Something in his brain was screaming at him to hold Chan’s hand, and so he did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin had been running for quite a while until he realized he was panting more than he should and slowed down his pace. He flicked his eyes over to the sun on the horizon before focusing them to the front again, two guys walking hand in hand into his direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of them being Felix.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slowed his footsteps until he came to a stop in front of Felix and some guy he didn’t recognize.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix”, he panted out, catching his breath. Felix looked nice, he was clearly not dressed in beachwear and his eyes darted down to their intertwined hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uhm... “ Felix seemed embarrassed. He lamely pointed towards Changbin, looking at the stranger next to him. “That’s… Changbin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The stranger nodded at Changbin with a friendly smile, but something in Changbin gave him a bad feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who are you?” The question sounded a lot more hostile than Changbin had intended.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guy’s smile faltered a bit and he looked at Felix for a moment before directing his eyes back to Changbin. “I’m Chan, nice to meet you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guy had stuck out his hand, a smile back on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin raised an eyebrow at him before looking at Felix who pointedly refused to make eye contact. He ignored Chan’s hand and started running again, a strange feeling in him reviving his energy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I swear, he’s not usually like this.” Felix apologized to Chan as Changbin ran off. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wait, why am I defending him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan chuckled. “Friend of yours?” He paused. “Ex-boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A dull ache in Felix’s chest resurfed. He quickly shook his head and dragged Chan by the hand to start walking again. “Friend. I guess. We had a fight recently.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan hummed, waiting for Felix to continue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix just put on a smile, eyes watching the sun disappear behind the red horizon. “Whatever, it doesn’t even matter. Anyway, what were you saying about otters?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung sounded kind of tired when he finally replied after Changbin’s rant had ended. “Look, buddy, pal, my guy. I’m extremely hungover because of this house party I went to last night and full disclosure, I am probably going to throw up within the next three minutes, but I suggest you talk to your best friend like a fucking adult. Stop acting like kids.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as he finished his sentence, Changbin heard a rustling on the other line, then the phone clanking to the floor and the sounds of Jisung vomiting in the distance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin made a disgusted face as he hung up the phone and threw his towel over the chair at his desk. His hair was still wet from the shower when he fell into bed, the breeze coming in through his window making it feel cold and Changbin shiver.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Talking. Right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On Monday, a week after their fight, Changbin was back at work in the flower shop, letting his frustration out on some stubborn weeds in the backyard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t hear the bell at the front door of the shop, only looking up when a familiar voice echoed out to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Binnie?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood up a bit too quickly, getting dizzy for a moment, before walking back inside the store to find Felix in his chair, eyes on his sketchbook.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin opened his mouth to say something, realized he didn’t know what to say, and closed it again. He walked back out to deal with the weeds again, his heart feeling lighter, knowing that Felix was inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They didn’t actually talk about it. The rest of the day was spent by Changbin lazily caring for plants and serving customers while Felix was drawing, getting up every now and then to get a better look at some flowers. Eventually, a stuck up middle aged woman came in to complain about her roses dying after two days, to whom Changbin - as kindly as he could - explained that she had to put those in water to have them for longer and not just leave them out lying on the table. She stormed off angrily and Felix couldn’t hold back a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin had always found Felix’s laughter infectious and he still did. Before they knew it, both of them were back to making fun of her and laughing, their fight a far away thought pushed to the backburner of their memories.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the week went by without any major incidents. Changbin tried his best to subtly find out more about Chan, but Felix shut him out as soon as he mentioned him, so he eventually gave up, an uneasy feeling settling in him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he locked up the shop on Saturday, Felix punched him lightly in the arm, a bright smile on his face. “Don’t forget about tomorrow!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin rolled his eyes at him but couldn’t help but grin. Tomorrow was his birthday and they had planned to go to their usual bar downtown and celebrate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better eat a big dinner tomorrow to prepare your stomach!”, Felix yelled out to him with a laugh as he rode off on his bike.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The music inside the bar was loud and they had been there for long enough, that Changbin was dizzy from a mixture of different drinks and swaying to the music while Felix ordered them another round. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tapped Felix on the shoulder and leaned closer to shout over the music, gesturing towards the restrooms, “I gotta go, I’ll be right back!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded to signal that he understood and turned his attention back to the bar, waiting his turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Changbin waited in line for the restroom, a guy slumped against the wall behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, it’s so hot in here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin turned around to face the guy. He was handsome, slightly sweaty from dancing, a flush spreading from his cheeks down to his collarbones, his shirt’s top buttons unbuttoned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guy saw Changbin looking down at him and grinned. “Like what you see?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Changbin still hadn’t come back from the restroom twenty minutes later, Felix went there himself to look for him. As soon as he turned to the restroom area, he wished he hadn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin was pressed up against some guy, back to the wall, grabbing needily at the guy’s shirt, their lips crashing together desperately over and over again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix didn’t look back as he ran out of the bar, two cups of drinks still in his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>wrhe ar u?=m?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>lcix i nee dtO tell smthh</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie:</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> lxi??,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>lix, where’d you go last night?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>you okay?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>pls answer i’m worried</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix let his head sink back into his pillow and his phone drop onto his chest. His head hurt and he kept replaying the scene last night over and over, a sharp pain in his chest every time. Before he could turn off his phone, Changbin was calling him. He sighed before picking up his phone. When he answered, his voice sounded wrecked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh thank god, you’re alive.” Changbin sounded genuinely concerned. “Where did you go yesterday? I couldn’t find you anywhere!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix swallowed hard. “I left. I was drunk, sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was silent on the other line for a moment and Felix worried that Changbin would keep pushing, but he didn’t. “It’s okay, I’m glad you’re not dead in a ditch. Are you super hungover or can I tell you something real quick?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix hummed, closing his eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Here we go again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin spent the next twenty minutes telling him about a guy he ran into while waiting to use the restroom named Minho and that they had walked around town all night talking until the sun came up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix questioned whether talking was all they did, but he didn’t say anything. He was silent when Changbin finished his monologue. “Hey, I need you to pre-date freak out with me now, I’m seeing him this evening!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>According to Changbin’s thirty-six messages, the date went great and Minho had even walked him home. Felix turned off his phone after that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Come Monday, Felix assumed his usual position in the flower shop while Changbin got to work, telling Felix in detail everything about his date. Apparently they had gone to a fancy restaurant and the guy was really funny and even better looking when Changbin was sober and Felix tried his best to drown out his endless chatter. He had been through this once with Hyunjin, he could do it again. He let Changbin ramble on while focusing on drawing a huge bouquet near the door until the shop was filled with the afternoon’s sunrays and Changbin softly tapped him on the shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should take a break sometime, man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix looked up at him and Changbin’s soft gaze and smile made his heart stop, before he reigned himself in again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin let out a laugh and swiped his fingers across his cheek, the simple gesture making Felix’s pulse quicken as he looked away again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, you had some pencil dust there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix gave him a look. “It’s called graphite. I can’t believe they let you graduate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin huffed at him turning around to get them some water. “Whatever, man. I’m smart in other areas.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the week went on, Changbin met with this Minho twice more, each time more excited than the previous one until he greeted Felix with a hug on Friday. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say hello to Mr. Seo Changbin, unavailable and off the market!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix’s heart sank as he weakly returned the hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin let go of him to throw him a look. “A little more excitement, please. Your boy is finally not single anymore!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix forced a smile and choked out, “Congratulations”, before returning to his usual seat and pulling out the drawing supplies. He found it hard to concentrate after that, a familiar spreading from his chest to the rest of his body.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>On his walk home, Felix watched a couple part ways at a junction and had an epiphany. Distance. Yes, that was what he needed. If he could just distance himself from Changbin for a while, he would finally get over his stupid feelings and they could go back to normal. He quickened his steps as he walked home and felt a giddy feeling rise up in him as he texted Chan.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Felix “Two Americanos”: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>Hey, are you free this weekend? :)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Chan from the coffee shop: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>hi!! didn’t think you’d ever reply haha </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Chan from the coffee shop: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>i’m free all weekend</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin wrinkled his nose at his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Minho nudged him softly as he drank his milkshake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin looked up at him and took a sip from his as well. “Felix isn’t texting me back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho raised an eyebrow at him. “Did you two fight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a pause as Changbin thought back, trying to think of anything he could have done to upset Felix. “No, not really. We didn’t fight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho placed his hand gently on Changbin’s arm. “Maybe he’s just busy. Do you want to go watch a movie after we finish this to take your mind off it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nodded slowly and was grateful for Minho’s comfort, but a nagging feeling didn’t leave him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix came by the flower shop every other day now, not every day. They still talked and joked around normally, but something felt off to Changbin. Every time he asked if something was wrong, Felix just brushed him off with a smile and Changbin was left alone with his thoughts again. He seemed happy, so he had no real reason to worry, but after years of talking with and seeing each other every day, it felt weird to suddenly feel so removed from his best friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the weeks went by, so did the summer, uneventful and much less adventurous than Changbin had thought they would make it on that last day of school. Before he knew it, the leaves started changing their colors and he wrapped himself in a jacket on his way to work in the morning. Felix would leave soon, and in a way, to Changbin it felt like he already had left him behind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dreaded day had finally come and Felix felt a shiver as a cool autumn wind blew around him, standing at the train stop. His family had dropped him off there, giving him their well wishes and promising him to visit in the next few weeks, once he had settled in. Now he was left alone with two big suitcases and Changbin looking teary-eyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix had been crying since he had stepped out of his parents car and had stopped trying to fight it. Changbin was still wrestling with his tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will come visit, right?” Changbin's voice sounded foreign, alien.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix nodded, wrapping him in a tight hug. This would make it easier. It was for the best.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you will text me, right?”, Changbin muffled, voice now muffled by Felix’s jacket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix choked out a quick, “Yeah.” and pulled back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin had tears running down his cheeks now, biting his bottom lip. “I-I’m gonna miss you, Lixie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sniffled and tried his best to smile at Changbin. It felt like somebody had stabbed a hundred knives into his chest. “I’ll miss you too, Binnie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he took his seat on the train, Felix glanced out onto the platform a last time. Changbin looked small, hunched shoulders, furiously wiping his eyes. He had to look away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix was a god damned liar. Changbin had been trying to reach him on the phone or via text for two weeks now, spamming him on all social media and even resorted to sending him emails. He had run into Felix’s mom in the grocery store the other day and asked her if he was alright. She had seemed surprised and reassured him that Felix was fine and just settling into his new apartment and job, the new city, and that he was probably just too busy or exhausted to reply to Changbin’s messages.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin called bullshit on that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt bad for Minho, constantly complaining to him about Felix and promised himself to just take it easy and give Felix some time to get situated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe Felix’s mom was right. Maybe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another two weeks after that, Changbin finally received his first message from Felix. He was about to call him, send him fifty messages demanding an answer as to why Felix didn’t contact him sooner, but the message he received sent an alarm bell ringing in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Lix: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>sorry i’m only replying now - lots going on. hope everything’s okay at home? do you have time to call 2nite? am not single anymore either now</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin had to re-read the message several times before he replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Binnie: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>call me @ 7</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Not contacting Changbin was the hardest thing Felix had ever done, other than pull out his first loose tooth when he was a kid. Once he had fully moved into his apartment, the first thing he wanted to do was send Changbin pictures, but he stopped himself before he could press send. No contact. At least for now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was hoping that radio silence and the distance would help him get over his feelings and strangely enough, it kind of worked, after a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan had moved to the city a few days after he did and they met up frequently, going for coffee during lunch break or dinner after work. Chan made him feel comfortable, safe, content and at peace. He didn’t make his heart race or his stomach twist in knots, like Changbin did, but he gave him comfort, made him laugh, with gentle touches and soft smiles. Chan was an anchor, preventing him from drifting alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Chan asked the question neither of them wanted to say out loud, after walking home from dinner, stealing a kiss from Felix’s lips. “I really like you, Felix… do you want to date me? Like, for real?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something about it didn’t feel right, felt off, when Felix said yes and returned the kiss. But when he saw Chan’s bright smile under the street lights, he felt like maybe he could just be selfish this once and have this and worry about everything else later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Binnie.” Felix sounded a bit sleepy and Changbin was worried for a moment before he heard him chuckle. “Sorry, got distracted for a moment.” There was a rustling before Changbin heard his voice clearer - Felix must have had him on speaker before, checking something on his phone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Probably a message from Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his brain whispered to him, like a devil on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head as if to dislodge the thought. “Finally, I thought you died! Why didn’t you text me earlier? Or called? Or tweeted? Or emailed me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix sounded guilty when he answered and Changbin felt bad for getting angry for a moment. “I’m sorry, it’s been...chaotic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They brought each other up to date on what happened since they last saw each other and Changbin couldn’t help but feel a wrinkle form between his eyebrows every time Felix mentioned Chan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the end of the phone call, Changbin made Felix promise to contact him at least once a day, which Felix agreed to with a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin lied awake for a long time that night before drifting off into an uneasy sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Every time it’s just, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan this, Chan that,</span>
  </em>
  <span> you know?” Changbin stuffed another fork piled with steak and mashed potato into his mouth as Minho glanced at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a sigh. “This isn’t it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin shot him a confused look. “You don’t like yours?” He gestured at Minho’s plate. “You can have mine if you want, I don’t mind eating yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho removed his hand from his face, a pained smile on his face. “It’s not about the food, Changbin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin lowered his fork and swallowed. “What’s wrong? I’m sorry, did I ramble again?” He looked down sheepishly onto the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho leaned closer to him and lifted his chin with a finger to make him look at him. “Changbin, I think we should break up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sentence hit Changbin like a gust of the chilly November wind outside. “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho let out a soft laugh. “You’re a great guy, really. But clearly I’m not the one you should be with.” His smile was sad when he blinked at Changbin. “I love you, I really do. But I also want to be loved in return.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin was about to cut in when Minho continued talking, folding his napkin and pulling a bill out of his wallet. “When you have figured out your feelings and you can honestly tell me they are not for Felix, let me know.” He stood up and put a hand on Changbin’s shoulder, hesitating. “Take care, Changbin.” He left without Changbin ever getting a word in edgewise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin stared down onto his plate after watching Minho walk down the street through the window of the restaurant and signalled the waiter he wanted to pay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin spent the rest of the day sitting on his bed staring at the corkboard on the opposite wall of his room, pinned full with pictures of him and Felix, some of them with Jisung and a few drawings of Felix’s flowers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have feelings for Felix. Felix was his best friend, his person, his ride or die. They grew up together, they went through shit together, they saw each other grow as people. Right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought back on their memories together. A tiny Felix and tiny Changbin exchanging flowers in his aunt’s shop. Changbin and Felix giving each other their first kiss as practice when they were twelve to practice for the first school party, having read about kissing techniques in a teen magazine, the flavor of Felix’s chapstick still on his tongue. Changbin cuddling with Felix on the first night of summer camp because he was scared to sleep alone, having forgotten his plushie at home. Felix teaching him how to dance for the first school ball they went to and them not getting a date and ending up going together. Jisung daring them to kiss at his sixteenth birthday party when they played truth or dare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A warm feeling filled Changbin’s chest, though he felt nauseous. This was stupid. Felix was his best friend. These were things best friends did together.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But do best friends feel jealous of their best friend’s boyfriend?</span>
  </em>
  <span> The devil on his shoulder was back with a vengeance.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Do they feel their heart race when they kiss them while they’re drunk?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. This was ridiculous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For some reason, Changbin found himself standing outside the Lee’s house at ten at night, ringing their doorbell. What the hell was he even doing here?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix’s dad opened the door, clearly getting ready for bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin? What are you doing here at this hour?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin flashed him an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry to disturb you. Felix said he needed some… uh document. He needs me to send him a picture of it. Right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix’s dad looked confused. “Why didn’t he just ask us?” He let Changbin in anyway, Changbin promising to be gone in a minute as Felix’s dad wished him a good night and told him to lock the door behind him. Knowing his best friends’ house’s door code came in handy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he closed the door to Felix’s room behind him, he felt a deep loneliness inside him. It felt weird to be in Felix’s room alone. He turned on the light and was disoriented for a moment, the bright light blinding his eyes which had adjusted to the darkness in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked around and his eyes stopped at the drawings taped to the walls above Felix’s bed. Pages and pages of flowers, some sketches of his family, some of animals, a few landscapes of the ocean. One of the pages above Felix’s headboard was slightly curled at the bottom and he saw the edge of another page sticking out below it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lifted the bottom page, a drawing of the flower shop window from the outside, and his breath got caught in his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His own face was staring back at him, smiling happily, one arm wrapped around a sketched version of Felix. Felix had his eyes closed in the drawing, kissing Changbin’s cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin let go of the page above the drawing and it fell back down against the wall, covering the sketch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And finally, after years, the penny had dropped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix was suspicious that Changbin hadn’t texted him in a while. He took it upon himself to find out why.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Lix: </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>what u up 2? havn’t heard from u in awhile</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He waited for a reply, but it didn’t come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan returned to their table with two glasses of iced tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you look so down?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix took a sip from his tea and made a face. “Nothing, just the usual.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin.” Chan nodded knowingly and focused his attention to his drink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix felt a pang of guilt at Chan’s face. Felix tried to brush the topic off. “So what did they say, the teacher and the other TAs?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan looked back up at him, clearly glad to switch the topic. “They actually loved it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked for a while longer about Chan’s proposal for a school musical and how Felix’s work at the art gallery was going, but Felix couldn’t get Chan’s sad expression out of his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin had run to the train station as soon as he had gotten up, restlessly spending the train ride to the city jiggling his leg. Once he got off the train, he was out and racing down the streets as fast as he could. He was lucky that Felix had told him the address of the art gallery when he had first gotten his job there and he felt like his legs just wouldn’t move fast enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He came to a standstill when he spotted Felix outside the building, returning from his lunch break.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix jumped at the sound of his name and turned to Changbin with a shocked expression. “Binnie- what are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin stopped in front of him, his lungs burning from the sprint. He held up his hand for a moment, heaving out labored breaths.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got a minute?”, he choked out eventually, still not fully having caught his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix fixed him with a worried look. Changbin looked tired, a film of sweat on his forehead, panting in front of him. “Did something happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin had finally gotten his breath back and beamed at him. “I’m a fucking idiot!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, Felix wondered if Changbin had had some kind of psychotic break before Changbin continued his sentence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m an absolute fucking idiot and I’m so sorry I’m late. But I just needed to tell you- I figured it out!” He smiled even wider, if that was possible. “It’s you, Felix.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dread filled Felix as he stared at Changbin for a further explanation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in love with my fucking best friend!” Changbin let out a high pitched laugh, he looked like a madman. “I love you, Felix!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s heart felt like it was pumping right out of his chest. Saying it out loud, admitting it to himself, to Felix, to anyone listening - it was liberating. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix on the other hand, felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. This was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for, wishing for, praying for, for years. And it was too late.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix looked around them with wide eyes before focusing on Changbin again, his shocked expression replaced by a pained one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Binnie.” He couldn’t stand to look at Changbin any longer. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Changbin’s smile falter, morph into a frown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re too late.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Changbin was left standing alone in a city he barely knew, Felix disappearing into the art gallery. Right on cue, he felt rain drops on his face and it took him a moment to register Felix’s words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Too late.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Too late.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the day, Changbin’s words still ringing in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you, Felix!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When he returned to his apartment after work, Chan was waiting for him outside the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His conflicting emotions must have been apparent on his face, as Chan immediately went into comforting mode.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix just shook his head, letting them both into the apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they had both kicked off their shoes and sat down on the couch, Chan held him in a tight embrace and Felix couldn’t help the tears escaping his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna talk about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix let out a sob and burrowed his face further into Chan’s chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll be here when you want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The train ride home felt like it took forever. Changbin just sat there, numb to his surroundings, numb inside, watching the landscape outside turn from high rises into fields until he reached his stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s like somebody had wiped his brain clean. He had no thoughts, no feelings, went through the motions. He took a shower and went to bed, his gaze falling onto one of the flower drawings Felix had gifted him a year ago, that he had haphazardly stuck to his wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And for the first time that day, he cried. He curled up into a ball under his blanket and he couldn’t stop crying, until he finally fell asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The following weeks, Changbin didn’t talk to anyone. He kept interactions to an absolute minimum with his family and at the store, went to work in the morning, left in the evening, lied in bed until he fell asleep. He felt like a shell, like a ghost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A train ride away, I took Felix a while until he finally told Chan what happened, through tears and guilt and pain. Chan had listened patiently until Felix was done explaining everything, rubbing comfortingly over his arm every now and then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you feel the same way?”, Chan finally asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix looked up at him. “I love you.” His eyes gave him away and Chan let out a sad, soft laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was not the question.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix felt that guilt again, staring down at his hands. He wasn’t sure what to say, what he could say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan hugged him tight once more and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like a goodbye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Autumn had come and gone and Changbin was setting up Christmas decorations in the shop as his aunt served two older ladies. He couldn’t stand the sight of the decorations now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had put them up every year in the shop, with Felix. As soon as Felix entered his thoughts, he pushed him out again like an unwanted visitor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Last night, he had video called Jisung, who had been genuinely concerned about him. He complained that Changbin didn’t eat enough, didn’t sleep enough, didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>live</span>
  </em>
  <span> enough. Changbin had broken down and called Jisung a week earlier, telling him about what happened and Jisung had listened, had provided him with the only comfort he could cling to at the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the first snow started to fall and the top forty on the radio were replaced by Christmas songs, Changbin felt the cold deep inside his bones. A cold he couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hot he showered, no matter how many blankets he used to fall asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A day before Christmas, his aunt took off for her annual Christmas cruise to Jamaica (</span>
  <em>
    <span>“You know I hate the cold, Changbin!”</span>
  </em>
  <span>) and Changbin was left alone at the shop. Jisung would arrive in three days, just after Christmas to visit him, all he had to do was get through the holidays until then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin was busy watering the plants in the back room on Christmas morning, glad he could close the ship early today, when he heard the bell jingle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be right there”, he called out over his shoulder. Who needed to buy flowers on Christmas? Didn’t people get their Christmas shopping done early?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he returned to the front of the shop again, he held his breath. His heart started racing, beating against his ribcage, a pain of excitement mixed with cautious fear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would recognize the person standing next to the for sale rack anywhere, anyhow, even huddled in a too big coat, hat on, scarf wrapped tightly around the bottom half of his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felix.” It came out more as a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix turned around to face Changbin. “Hi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood there in silence for a while, just staring at each other, until Felix pulled down his scarf to speak properly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Merry Christmas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin felt his heart sink again. “You too.” It came out colder than he had wanted it to sound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another awkward pause. Changbin swallowed hard. “Chan’s not with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix shook his head, his eyes wandering over the flowers stacked up on the counter, waiting to be bound into bouquets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s over. With Chan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words seemed loud in the silence, like a bomb exploding in an empty valley.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nodded, unsure of what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix walked closer to him, stopping a few inches apart from him, nose red from the cold outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s always been you, you know.” Felix’s voice was low, barely louder than a whisper and he looked at Changbin with a hopeful look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And just like that, the floodgates opened. Changbin surged forward, desperately grabbing at Felix, holding him close, their lips meeting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix’s lips felt cold against his and the kiss turned soft, gentle, as Felix wrapped his arms around Changbin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they pulled away from each other, Felix’s cheeks had taken on the same color as his nose. “Took you long enough, you idiot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin couldn’t help the smile creep across his face. “Why didn’t you say anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t wait for an answer, pulling him close once more, holding him and kissing him again and again, as if he never would again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Changbin locked up the shop, Felix slid his hand into Changbin’s, interlacing their fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin was buzzing, the feeling inside him finally having a name. He looked at Felix to find him staring at him with a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked the snowy streets in silence, stopping every now and then, Changbin pulling him in for a kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Felix by his side, just like he always had been.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>pls let me know ur thots and something that makes you happy!<br/>it's sad hours today with me so i need a pick me up :(</p><p>regardless, have a fresh day, my dudes!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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